Thoughts on pain

And now we're going to sprint. What? Oh poop. But I'm a goalie. Oh. I have to be in shape too? Right. Is this going to hurt? Yup. Ow. *Pant, pant, pant* You mean I have to now go put on my goalie gear? And work? I'm getting too old for this. 'Good stop'. 'Nice save'. Ohhhh...should have stopped that. . Corners. We're done. Sigh. Need shower. Now. zzzzz

So this is why we get long vacations...

I'm pooped. Yes, pooped. I am ready for half-term which comes in 2 weeks as it's been a bit crazy here at school. Loads of meetings, lots of responsibilities come up...just a ton! I'll just take a few deep breathes and make it through. Sigh.

This weekend I finished up all my grading (16 papers and a few extra credit assignements). While some of the reading was truly interesting, after a few years of teaching, you get to read the same old, same old. I suppose I should look on it as an opportunity to revisit the topic and remember all that I know. At least I was done before dinner so that R. and I could go out for a drink in Hampstead with friends (2 birthday celebrations). Tried a bitter, which while nice, definitely did not sit as well with me as a lager does. I think I'll stick to lagers. (never thought I'd think so much about beer when I lived in the States).

zzzzzzzzzzz...promise to post more another day....just too tired

Ya bitch, ya moan and then you eat

Thursday night was one of utter frustration in some ways and great in others. I met up with some fellow UKYankees at Wagamama. It was fun to hang with a few people I hadn't seen a while and to meet a few new ones. Very nice people. The food was good too...something about slurping up noodles with your chop sticks (no talent) makes for a night of good fun. But I was supposed to meet Roy afterwards. He was going out with some work people for his birthday. He should never have planned on meeting me...cause they kept him out later than he thought...and he's a bit of a wimp at times - didn't want to say, no, I have to leave. So I got very angry with him. It kinda felt similar to our relationship situation. He can't 'hurt' the other people so instead he hurts me. He seems to choose them and not me. And I told him that. He ended up at mine and we talked a bit - but it definitely points that we need some help talking all of this through, cause the waiting thing and the parent thing is really pissing me off.

Last night was a good one though - I made him leg of lamb for his birthday dinner. It was so rich and lovely. Very pleased, I must say. And he loved all his clothing pressies. Great end of evening if I say so myself too...

The Girlfriends

I went last night to see the movie Memoirs of a Geisha. It was absolutely amazing. I had read the book when it came out and loved that. I was interested to see the quality of the movie and I am glad to say that it spoke volumes! It's a must see movie. I went with two women who are dating friends of R. It's very funny to become friends with the girlfriends. It's never happened before. And it's not like we have anything in common, but it's just easier - cause then our guys can hang out when we hang out and vice versa. It's kinda supportive, though I wouldn't quite call them my 'friend' right now. Working on it...

Now on the negative side I didn't get home until about 11:30pm and ended up waking up at 5:00am. Not sure why...didn't even have to pee...but there I was. I stayed in bed, cat napping until I heard my flatmate around 6am. I then got up and got ready. We had to be at work early anyway for a 7:45am all-school meeting. Not great news...but can't really talk about it here. Let's just say that I could be very busy in the upcoming few months...

Big bad bed...

It was weird to spend the night at my flat. See I've been basically spending every single night at R's since December 16th. Both my flatmate & I went on vacation starting that day until about Jan 2...she returned and the following day her cousin and two friends showed up - so I gave up my bedroom. They stayed over 2 weeks. And then R. & I had all these intense conversations started so I didn't want to sleep away from him. But last night I did...he had football (soccer in the States) and then was going to his parents to meet up with his cousin who had just flown in from India. So it made sense.

When you are used to sleeping with another person - and I don't mean sex, I truly mean just sleeping, it's weird not to have a warm body next to you. You get used to the noises they make, the little bumps in the night. I even woke up in the middle of the night about the same time that R. usually has to use the loo. And it was tough not to have my early morning cuddle and kiss. I miss that most of all. Two more nights of it - I'm seeing a movie tonight and going out with friends for dinner on Thursday. It'll be fun to see other people...but...sigh.

The 'old married couple'

I've been in relationships where it feels like it's a struggle to communicate. There may be passion, may be interest...but somehow you just can't connect in so many ways and it makes things so hard. That's not what I have now...we work so well together. Like last night...it was like a scripted play...

I arrive home after buying food for dinner, put it on the counter and wait for R. to arrive. R. arrives, gives me a kiss and gets all comfy. We then decide what to watch on the t.v. - it's a consensus. I then go to make the aps I bought...in the meanwhile R. is filling up water glasses...I get the aps from the oven and R. gets all the sauces without me asking. We eat, then clean up and then while I'm heating up the soup, he's grilling the bread. And the night goes on. We look like such an old married couple at times...thank God we're not in many others ways!!!

Sports and Food...Food and Sports

This was overall a great weekend...full of sports and activities.

On Friday night we did next to nothing and went to bed around 10pm. It was GREAT! You know you are getting old when an early bedtime is a good thing...sigh. But I also had to get up at 7:30am so I could eat breakfast before heading to the hockey club. We had to meet by 8:30am to head to our 10:30am game...it took about 1 hour to get there and we dressed, talked and then warmed up. We won 2-0 (should have been 3-0 but one goal was called back). As I'm the goalie I was quite happy with the results! We're in Div 1 and at the top of the league - woohoo! Just have to keep winning and we'll be moved up to the Division!

We then relaxed on Saturday night - we cooked dinner for my flatmate and a friend. It was yummy! We (well mainly R.) made a chicken curry. Not too hot, not too mild...just right. It was fun to hang out with other people, have good food/drink & great conversation. Another decently early night.

Sunday I had cricket training. We went to indoor nets for the first time. It'll happen once a month until we begin the outdoor season in May. I definitely decided that bowling is not for me and that I need to work on my batting. I really like it! But I'm quite sore today - haven't used the arm muscles in a long while. Guess I know what I need to do at the gym tomorrow!!

The rest of the day was productive in some ways. R. cleaned the kitchen while I cleaned the bathroom - it's good to have clean spaces. We still need to hoover the floors and organize the extra room, but there's not hurry. We finished the evening with a cup of tea and a relaxing bath together. Ahhhh...then off to bed to have a good week. We'll see what it hold for us both!

An intercultural mess

I can't believe how things can go wrong...so very wrong...so very quickly. Last night I got a text from R. saying that he had to head back to his parents as his dad was feeling quite sick. And I encourage such visits. He returned though crying. He told me that he couldn't give up his parents. That he needed them in his life. But that he still wanted me as well. That his parents won't stand in the way but (he didn't say this, but I inferred) that they still don't approve. They asked him to 'think'...to think about what would happen to our mixed culture kid, how would this affect the family as a whole, what would happen in the future if we divorced...they once again put thoughts into his head that are making him question the future. He says that he's not questioning the future - but he IS. At one point he was ready to ask me to marry him...and he said that in a lot of ways he is ready...but obviously that means in some ways he's not. I'm okay with having questions, but life isn't always full of perfect answers. There AREN'T ANY FUCKING GUARANTEES IN LIFE!!!

So now we're trying to find a therapist to help us. Just what we need right now - an added expense. I can barely save money to pay for our trip this summer...and now it's going to go to counseling. But I guess it will be worth it. Sigh. I'm just so tired of being in limbo. I'm not sure how long I can deal with it.

He finally did it!!

R. finally told his parents that enough is enough. He told them that he would no longer tolerate emails dissing either him or me, that he would not put up with comments about the relationship or how it's hurting the family. He told them that they had to accept that I will be part of his life forever. And they heard it. They accept that I will be his future wife. They don't accept me, per se, or feel at this point that I will become part of their family...but R. thinks that it will come in the future. They may choose not to come to our wedding...but after we marry, he won't go to his parents unless I'm welcome as well. So they now have to think a bit further as to what they will and won't do...but he's giving them that time.

So - while it was a tough evening for him (he came to visit me at my home, told me a few sentences and then went to his home to go to bed)...I think it will make life easier for him. And now that the pressure is off...he may feel more comfortable asking me to marry him (he knows he has limited time cause I won't let this situation carry on for much longer...life's too short and my ovaries aren't getting any younger!). So...I feel a bit better today than I did earlier this week.

I'm also sending the letter I wrote to his parents. I got some feedback from friends as well as from R.. I hope that they actually read it - it's a bit long but it is about my life so I'd hope it wouldn't be too short. It certainly can't hurt I don't think!

Feeling a lot better today. It was good to sleep in a bit, rest, read a bunch and watch bad t.v. about searching for houses that I will never afford -or- want to live in. Hee!

I finished writing a letter to my future in-laws. It was quite cathartic actually. I wrote about my life, who I was & am, why I've made the choice to come to the UK (not cause my life was over in the US thank you very much) and why I so very much love and adore their son. It was good. I sent it to R. who I think is rather choked up and wants to talk to me at work - but he's busy when I'm not and I'm busy when he's not...but we'll see each other soon enough or connect before the evening.

I'm (shocker) actually spending the night at my place tonight....albeit with R. I might even get some laundry done. My flatmate is happy about this but unfortunately has to go to a basketball game with her cheerleaders (we work together & she's a cheerleading coach...and no she's not brainless - she's actually a math & technology teacher...so ha!). I hope she'll be back before I fall asleep as I haven't hung with her in ages. I think R. & I are cooking for her on Saturday night or Friday night so we'll hang then! Plus we HAVE to go out for a drink some time soon!

And check out the flower that I was given for my birthday almost 3 weeks earlier. I'm so not the green thumb but somehow between my flatmate & myself - it's gorgeous!!!

A Day Off...

I went to bed last night around 9:30pm. I was exhausted and not feeling so well. I decided that I wasn't going to work this morning and here I am. I expect that I'll be sleeping on the couch, reading and just generally being a bum. I need it - haven't been sleeping so well...

Why we need a bigger bath & hot water heater...

We made it through last night. We talked a lot. We took a bath together to relax (though the hot water heater seemed to not kick in enough). And we just talked about our future together. We began to plan how to talk to his father and tell him that it's done...that he can choose to either stop with the emails and blackmail or to lose his son forever. It's just too much for R. to deal with any longer...he can't sleep well, he's upset a lot - it has to stop. And I want us to be able to focus on our love, our future - I want him to feel okay to get engaged and I don't think that will happen with all this craziness. His dad is getting what he wants in a way - all this has made it harder for Roy to ask me - he was ready before the holidays but now it's been pushed to the backburner. And I'm pissed off about that. Not that I'm in a rush but it's something we talked about and his family have ruined the coolness of getting engaged over the holidays. Now more and more people are asking - so when is it happening...cause I was quite certain it'd be soon. Sigh. But his health & happiness is more important. (but if it doesn't happen before the end of the month I'm going to have a hissy fit...)

His father went to far!


Yesterday R.'s father wrote him an email that just went too far. He said that it was most likely that I had several abortions, that I had fleed to the UK as I had nothing in the US due to how I lived there, that I had come to the UK to find a naive and stupid man to trap and once I got 'him', I would then leave and take him for all he was worth. Can you say, yuck?! That may be the antithesis of my story. I have not had several abortions, I had many choices for jobs in the US but decided that as I was single this was the time to take this adventure, I could have married a millionnaire in the States but decided the money wasn't worth the idiocy, and I make more than R. so it's actually HIM that could get money from me if we split!

R. is about to kill his dad. He was SO ANGRY last night he wanted to cry or hit something. I don't know if his dad knows that he just put the nail on the coffin cause now my bf refuses to speak to his parents, he emailed him back saying that he will not be going over to their house any time in the near future as they have insulted both him and me. He WAS hoping that his parents would reconcile to the idea of us together before we got engaged, but now he's decided that he just doesn't care any more...and right now he'd prefer not to have them as part of our life. I feel badly for R.. And sorry for his parents - they just are sad, sad people for doing this.

Edited for a bit later:
Just found out that R.'s dad has bascially told him that if this goes through he wants the money back that he gave him to buy his flat. Which would mean that R. would have to sell this place. And it's a good place for the money...nice space, clean, decent (though not preferable) location. I guess he'd sell it and then we'd try to get a place together...if I can get a morgage here! But what an assy thing to do to your son. I can't believe that in this day and age, in Britain, that there are parents who'd go so far...he even told him this morning that he'd commit suicide. How cruel is that?

It IS Friday the 13th!

Woke up this morning all ready to get a good day started. I had actually gotten my clothes all ready and laid out. As I'm staying at R.'s place I figured that this would make it easier on him and I also figured that he wouldn't be getting up by the time I needed to get dressed (being a touch sick the day before).

So I usually get dressed about 10 minutes before I leave - I do everything else I need beforehand and it's the last minute rush to dress adn then head out. I went to put on the sweater - and there is a stain!!! I was at R.'s so I didn't exactly have a large wardrobe at my disposal to change into. So I had to put on a jacket that I happened to have there...it doesn't exactly go with my skirts, but it's in the region. Still...what a Friday the 13th sort of thing to happen!

In search of the unknown

So we went out to look at engagement rings last night before dinner. After seeing the prices and quality, we decided that even if we get engaged in the near future, we might as well wait until our trip to the States this summer. We can hit the NYC diamond district and hopefully get more bang for the buck. I don't really want anything to grand...just something nice. I tend to be a bit clutzy and I am athletic so I'm thinking something like this (but perhaps diamonds or a mix of diamonds & saphires):

Dinner was fun...we met up with my flatmate and the three guys who are visiting her from the States. So funny! They are all early 20s and sooooo very American! I think they're having fun being here and don't want to go. We went to Belgo for dinner. We ate tons of mussels, chips and drank our Belgium beers. It's a great place to go!

The Ring

So last night R. (the bf) was feeling a bit talkative..we chatted about his parents' reaction to our relationship and the pain that he was in due to this. I feel so badly for him as he truly loves his parents and wants their approval for this relationship. Who wouldn't? He knows that they need him in a lot of ways and that they're going to get a shock when after we marry he refuses to go over there unless I become welcome. I'm not looking forward to that! On the positive side, he is still very much into our relationship and having it go on. In fact he asked me if I liked a particular engagement ring. While it was not the perfect ring for me, I'm not really a jewelry person so I don't mind what it looks like - what he showed me was a 5 diamond ring set within the ring that was yellow & white gold. In a way that might be the best - white & yellow gold - as I can then wear whatever and not have it 'clash'. And I do like rings that I can wear all the time and not have to worry about ripping myself to shreds. No big honkin' diamond solitaire for me! I guess I also don't see the point of spending several thousands of pounds for this - not when we want to someday move into a house or a nicer flat in a decent area of NW London!

What a way to start a day!

The day started off okay for a typical London rainy January. I woke up at 6:30am, hopped into the shower, got all ready (amazingly I thought to pack up the night before) and went out to catch the bus. I road the bus to the tube...got on and went two stops and then realized that I forgot my laptop. Now, in my defense, I rarely take my laptop home and already had a purse and backpack in my possession...but I NEED that laptop. So - called my bf to ask him to put the case in the hallway, I got back on the tube, took the bus back, and picked it up then started the trip all over. And was 45 minutes late to work. Happily today was a library day for my class as they are doing a project, so I didn't miss anything. Still - what a way to start your day?

My New Blog...

I'm hoping to have this blog running for a while. I have a tendency to just start one and then forget about it and then I forget my sign-in name and all of that...so hopefully this one will be a bit better...

Okay...so I moved to London from the US in 2004 for a job. I love my job, the place where I work, I enjoy most of the people I work with and generally am happy that I moved over here. Socially I'm still working on adjusting to moving over as a 30-something woman, a scenario that always makes it difficult. As you get older, if you are single, it's tough making new friends. But I'm working on it! I even joined an expat website, http://www.uk_yankee.com, and it's brilliant. This past weekend I went to one of the women's birthday parties in Guildford - it was nice to get out of London and hang with some Americans who are a hoot. But I do like my Brit friends I've made so far...and hoping to make more!

I did meet a guy within the first few months of moving over - really, I wasn't looking - and we're mad crazy in love. And talking marriage. So being in my late 30s I'm kinda hoping that this engagement thing will happen soon. But his family is an issue - they are from India and they don't approve of this non-Indian woman getting her claws into their son. I'm the evil American woman who will divorce him and take all his money (I think I earn more actually than he does so perhaps he'd get MY money). They won't even meet me to see if I'm an okay person. I accept their displeasure but come on...I'm a good person, well educated, have a decent paying job...and I adore their son! So we're out last week at dinner and he tells me - 'I was going to ask you to marry me at New Years, but we were tired & besides, my mom wants to have a one-on-one with me so I thought I'd wait.' Uggggggghhhhhhh! So...when's it going to happen? But I'm positive about our feelings about each other so there is hope!

As for everything else...life is generally good & I can be a positive person...so I'll try that for a while. ;-) Anyway - I'll try to post during the week as much as I can and tell you more as I go along...