TTC

Trying to conceive is rather soul destroying. I know there are people out there who get pregnant their first attempt and I'm very happy for them. Those who don't have to think about it much are very lucky. Those that met their significant others when they were younger, and so have less problems, they are very lucky.

I was not ready to either get married nor have kids in my 20s. I may have been ready in my early 30s. But I know that I got married at the right time, to the right guy. And now we're trying to conceive with me at the ripe old age of 39. I know that there is a good chance that it won't happen. And so every month is tough.

We are charting, we are timing our intimate moments and with each AF (period) I die a small death. It's really hard.

In the big picture, it's not a huge thing. We can survive without having children. We're very lucky in our lives. And yet, we'll be sad if it doesn't happen.

Our New Car


This is the car we purchased today to take the place of Roy's 9 year old vehicle. It's a used Honda CRV. Can't wait to get the dog to go in the boot!

The urban fox


While some people might use the above term to talk about a hot looking woman who lives in the City, I am not. What I am talking about are the little foxes I've seen recently near our flat. Yes, foxes are living in London!


The urban fox is not nasty nor does it attack people (usually). Ours just likes to hope to find food when our neighbors leave the doors open to the trash hut (we have huts where we deposit our trash into large bins). I've seen them all over the neighborhood in the evenings...and they are quite cute!

You can find a great picture (which I had unwittingly used without permission & have since removed) on Jackie Freeman's wildlife photo page: http://www.freemanart.ca/JackieFreemanwildlifephotos.htm

Oy. Rain.

Near Abbey Road Studio

West London

As you can see, it's a crazy rainy day. It's a day for neither good hair nor umbrellas...cause it's WINDY! On the way to work, I saw several blown out brellies and a few in the bins. Yup, welcome to winter weather in the UK. At least we're not heading toward flooding like some of the country.

The tough things and wonderful things about being in India (from my trip)

These are in no particular order...

Some of the hard things:

• Getting sick from eating something (I think it was the sugar cane) and feeling/looking like a 6-mo pregnant lady because of it (the bloating, oh, the bloating!). Luckily it went away pretty quickly.
• Stray dogs. They are everywhere and so cute, but you know that most of them will die from being hit by something or starvation. There are just too many for any organization to ever deal with them.
• Open sewers outside of Amritsar. Such a nasty smell. And people live by it. I know they can no longer really smell it, but I worry about the health of those people.
• So many people.
• Being one of the few white faces as I walk around shopping in Amritsar. Getting 'bumped' by the men even though they have plenty of room to walk by me.
• The dust. Hack, hack! Black snot to go with it.
• Poverty. Though I did see less of this and MUCH less begging than 10 years ago.

Some of the lovely things:

• The henna walla - I could just go and sit down and get henna done in one of the markets in Delhi or Amritsar. And for very little money too. They are quick and do good work. Henna is a wonderful way to add some beauty into your life.
• The shopping experience. Customer service in Delhi and Amritsar far outweighed what we have here in London and even in the States. I loved it.
• The colours. The fabrics. Such gorgeousness in everyday wear. Even the when working on the side of the road looked much more stunning than the average American or Brit. I really hope that people don't move too much toward Western clothing as I think Indian traditional clothes are so much prettier and, quite honestly, more confortable!
• Old buildings just everywhere. You can be walking around a regular street and there is an old temple or fort wall. The architecture is amazing.
• The people. They are so friendly overall. And gracious.
• My new family. Despite being a white American girl who has married into their family, they accepted me fully. It was unexpected and well received! They are wonderful!
• 3-wheelers. I just think they are a great idea. Scary at times, but perfect for getting around.
• 22 carat gold. The colour is so much nicer than any other type of yellow gold. I kinda wish I had gotten my wedding ring/engagement ring there...though I love my white gold too.
• The weather while we were there. To go from the cold of London (about 9C as the high) to Delhi and Amritsar (highs in the 20s, lows around 10C), was wonderful. I loved walking around in shirt-sleeves or a light sweater!

Please note that these are from my trip experience and may not be what you or someone else would experience. And even with some of the things that felt not so lovely, I still look forward to going back again in a few years.

Christmas, Birthday & New Years Eve

Amazingly enough, there were signs of Christmas all over Amritsar. Santa masks, red Santa hats, streamers and even fake trees were all in evidence. It's not so much a religious holiday there as one that is more secular and commercialized.

The family we were staying with wanted to make me feel like I was home. Needless to say, it was very different - but they had chicken for dinner from their favorite chicken walla (walla means seller). The tandoori chicken was the best I've ever had. So a fine way to celebrate!

My birthday, the next day, was celebrated in style. A bunch of the family went to the fish market to pick out the fish for our meal. We were going to have the famous Amritsar fried fish. Yum! It turned out that they use a version of catfish! How wild! When we returned, the place was decorated by the little kids - with flowers and bows and the like. And everyone was dressed in their finest, including me (I did have a limited wardrobe but it worked). It was very lovely that they did that for me, a virtual stranger in their home. But that's one thing about Indian family - once you've been accepted as part of it, you are truly one of theirs. So we had cake and fish and ice cream...and it was wonderful! I got some very lovely gifts, including some gorgeous gold earrings.

New Years was spent at the Delhi Golf Club. It was an exclusive party, quite posh in feel, and we had a blast. We ate great food, drank lovely Indian wine (Grovers - it's yummy) and danced to a very fun DJ spinning both Western and Indian music. We went with Roy's cousin, his wife, his wife's sister and another friend. I actually had one of the best NYE's ever...no expectations I guess helped!

Traffic

Family of four on a motorcycle.

What is a lane?

Red light...so what?

If you are from the States and have ever been trying to pass a car and then seen a truck approaching, you know the feeling of everyday driving in India (at least where I've been). There are vehicles of all sorts on every side of the road all trying to take up a small space. It just can't be described!

View from a 3-wheeler motorbike rickshaw - a cheap & easy way to way to go short distances

Happy New Year from India

I have so many stories and thoughts to tell. So many pictures to show. But no time to do it now. It's been an amazing experience so far. Very few downsides (except a stomach bug, so my food just runs through me...but I'm still eating and feel fine). I promise to write a ton next week after I return to the UK. But anyway - have a great first week in 2008. May it be a year full of much joy and happiness!

New Year's Eve party at Delhi Golf Club

Roy's cousin and his wife

Yes, the dancing queens at large

What a fun night!

Assault on your senses

Horns blaring, not in anger, but to say "I am here".

A little child, knocking on the car window at a stop, trying to sell you some small thing, and then accepting your half-full bottle of water as a treat.

The pigeons roosting just outside your window.

The sound of the garbage wala, yelling that he is here to buy your trash, which will be sold on later.

Street dogs fighting for the least of scraps.

The crowds walking around the market, trying to buy that very latest thing, perhaps for Christmas or for themselves.

A house maid talking Hindi to a squirmly active toddler.

Dust all around, clinging to the base of your jeans.

A cow. An elephant. And even a camel.

The red and gold of a winter wedding, drummers at the ready for the groom to begin his journey toward his bride.

The buzz of a mosquito.

The smiles of your new family coming to greet you.

The sun. The warmth upon your winter skin.

The chill of the night air as you slowly drift to sleep.

Happy Holidays!

12 Days of Christmas by 'Straight No Chase'. It's so worth watching!!!

Almost there...

I apologize. It's been a while. But school is winding down. We had parent teacher conferences last week, then party season hit. And now, in five days, I will be off to India.

I'm really excited. I'll get to see Delhi again. I'll get to see the Golden Temple of Amritsar and the closing of the Pakistan-India gate for the first time. I'll get to meet a lot of Roy's family.

I'm really nervous. I don't want to get sick. I want this to go well for his parents. I'll have to meet a lot of Roy's family.

So much coming up...so quickly. But I promise to write a lot when I return in January. I'm sure I'll have tons of stories. I'm bringing a diary to write in and a camera for pics. And so I'll post them all.

Happy Holidays if I don't get a chance to write again soon! And a Happy New Year!

Dark

As I walked up the ramp to wait for my train, I realized that it was dark. Not just kinda dark, but really dark. Yes, winter has finally taken hold. There's this moment when you go from getting dark to really being in the midst of an inky sky. And that's when you realize that it's going to be dark when you also leave from work. And so, if you don't leave your windowless office to go look out a window or to take a walk, you will be without any sort of daylight at all that day.

That's why it was good that I got outside on Saturday, despite it being cold and rainy. I went with a friend to Wembley, Ealing Road, to eat some Indian food, get my eyebrows threaded and do a little bit of shopping. I walked from my flat to the Wilesden Green tube station and then when we returned from Wembley, walked up from Kilburn Park Station (overground train) to Cricklewood. Even in the grossness, it was just lovely to breathe the air and soak up the holiday spirit while dodging the random people who decided to just STOP right there on the sidewalk and block everyone's path. Urban exercise at its best!

So I'm going to try to get out of this building a few times this week. I think it will be a sanity saver.

There she blows!

It was difficult to sleep last night. The howling of the winds was so extreme that our windows shook and the trees were thrashing about. I was not looking forward to leaving the flat if it kept going in the morning.

And it did. I walked out of our building into a maelstrom of wind. My fine curly hair was whipped into a frenzy such that I could barely see. I was certain that I'd end up with straight hair by the time I got into school. Everyone was leaning forward, straining to get where they wanted to go.

Memories of my time in the Netherlands came to mind. That extreme storm that buffetted the coast. At least it wasn't raining. Umbrellas would have been sent to their death in this weather.

Eyes wide open

The sun is out. I can see it streaming through my classroom windows which are located way up high. It's so nice to actually see sun during this time of the year.

I tend to leave for work around 7:30am. In the winter, this is before the sun is really up in the sky. And usually it seems to be dreary even when it is 'light'. I go to my office for most of the day which doesn't have a window. And then I leave around 4pm and again it's usually on it's way to getting dark. There are days when I don't see anything but dark.

So on these days, when it is sunny out, I try my darndest to get out of my office and take a walk. Maybe during lunch. Sometimes during a regular period of the day. It's the only way to make it through the dark, cold winter here. It's why I went with my MIL to Southall this past Saturday - it was a nice day to walk around and shop the stalls. I even had to wear sunglasses. Yup, it was lovely.

STOP!

Public transportation can be frustrating even in the best of times. And usually I can just blow it off. But not today.

I saw the C-11 bus pulling past my stop as I came out of the car park this morning (we have private parking for our flat). That's not unusual so I figured I'd get the 189 or the next C-11. As I was standing on the sidewalk, trying to cross the road to my stop, I saw the 189 in the distance. Score!

There was a small break in the traffic so that I could run across just before the bus was getting to my stop. I was waving my arms to let the bus driver know to stop.

AND HE DIDN'T. That's right. I signalled to him that I wanted the bus. But he kept going.

I am not one to curse, but I just let out a storm. What a "!$£(*%*(£!!!!!

So today, I went back to the train, which I made just in time. And somehow it wasn't over-crowded too much so I didn't have to squeeze in or yell to get people to move, which is the reason why I stopped going on the train. So maybe, at least this week, I'll go back and try the train out again. Cause I am that pissed off at the buses today.

Gotta get me a shot

I don't have much fear about getting Delhi Belly. I have quite a strong stomach, I'll be in good hands and I barely felt a twinge of anything the last time I went to India for two weeks. Maybe I was born with a lot of good bacteria that does strong work or something.

But I did have a HUGE fear of having to get injections as a preventative measure. Cause I didn't get them before my last trip and my husband was 'highly encouraging' me to go get them this time.

When I was much younger, a small girl, I developed a phobia about needles and bees. My dad and I think that somehow they are connected (sting/needle...it works). I would scream bloody murder if a bee flew anywhere near me. But it was worse for my parents if I had to go to the doctors.

One year, I found out that I was going to be getting an injection. Probably one of those things that you have to get every few years or so. I don't know why they did it, but they left me on my own in the examining room. There was a huge black plastic bin for garbage. When the nurse returned to give me my shot, I wasn't visible. Yes, that's right, I was in hiding in the bin. I cared more about getting a shot than about getting into garbage.

As I got older, I continued to have problems with shots. As a sophomore in college, I was required to get another MMR as my generation's shot didn't 'take' or something like that. I went in, trying to be calm. And I was. But after I left the room, I sat down and passed out. I could see the black veil coming over my eyes. It wasn't a good feeling.

I decided once I began to teach and had to help with a blood drive that I needed to get over it. And the only way was to actually give blood. I have a desirable blood type, so it made sense. The first time, I both passed out and threw up. I still feel sorry for the nurses who had to deal with me for one hour. The next time, I just passed out. And it got better and better. I was still anxious, still felt a bit sick/dizzy, but I felt that I had beaten this phobia through the power of CBT.

So now, three years after having not gotten a shot or given blood (not sure why), I had to go and get injections for India. And the fear returned. Would I pass out? Would I get sick?

Well...I did some of my old breathing and self-talk stuff...and I was fine. Yes, I was anxious, but I didn't even feel a touch dizzy. But man, that Typhoid injection really, really hurts later on...I could barely move my arm for two days and even now, a few more days later, I can feel the site where the shot took place!

In goal

I stand there. My right hand is getting a bit cold, but that makes sense as the goalie glove covering it is not as closed as the one on my left hand. Can't believe that when we got here the pitch was frozen. But we're playing this game as no one wants to have to come out this early in a few weeks time. Let's get it over with. We're okay with playing.

The ball is at the other end of the pitch. 'Come on West Hampstead', I call. I hope that they can keep it up there. Maybe even score.

The ball moved down the pitch. One of the forwards did a bad tackle. Tweet. It's the oppo's ball. A hard hit and they are halfway toward my goal. Come on girls, get a move on it. Block that ball.

Ah, no, it's gotten past my midfield line. I hope that someone goes on her. 'Kelly, take her', I shout. But the ball gets passed to their best player, who then does a great move past her defender.

It's just her and me. I can do this. Focus on the ball. Should I slide? No, stay up. Ready on your toes. That's it, you got the shot. Now get ready in case it comes back your way.

'Push it out right', 'Come on do it', yelling as hard as I can. And off it goes, back across the 50. Another moment in time. Another feeling of relief that they didn't score. Breathe out.

'Come on Hampstead. Keep it up there.'

Nanny

My grandmother, Nanny, died in her sleep the night before Thanksgiving. So I got a call yesterday afternoon about it. Nanny was my cool grandmother. She had been born in England and came over the US with her family when she was only 9. She was an artist who had gotten her degree in Italy and then went on to teach at a private school in NJ. Nanny had the travel bug and every time we went to visit, showed me something she had collected in her world travels. And I mean world - she and my grandpa (or on her own after he died) went to every continent and so many countries. I got my bug to travel and explore from her. I came to appreciate the world of art from her. In her last year, she was struggling as she was finally fully blind (a degenerative eye disease) and wheelchair bound. She was very ready to die at the age of 91. I won't be able to go back for a funeral and I'll miss her a lot. She was my inspiration.

On the bus...

I'm an eavesdropper by nature. I know, it's a bad habit. But I never do it to people I know...good excuse, eh?

The bus always seems to be a great place to listen in to all sorts of funny conversations, from two little old ladies talking about the best place to get their hair set to the near incomprehensible chatter of the little kids.

Yesterday, I got onto a very packed bus, so I had to go to the very back and sit next to two teenage girls on their way home from school. From the conversation I gathered that they were around 14 or 15.

Just as I plotted next to them, the word 'sex' came out. I couldn't help myself. I had to listen from that moment onward. It's not a long trip - about 10 minutes - so I was certain that this little snippet would be quite interesting...and yes, it was that.

They began by talking about first times, their own as well as other girls. I was a bit disturbed that at such a young age they were talking about how wonderful it all ways and whatnot. That so many of their friends had done it for the first time in their early teens. I'm almost certain that the 'wonderfulness' was more that a boy wanted them and was 'showing their love', than any true pleasure. Teenagers are not known for their unselfishness and so I'm almost certain that most boys would have no clue how to, let's say, pleasure these girls.

One girl then moved on to talk about how much she missed sex. (At 15?!!) And the word, vibrator, came up. They declared that no, vibrators are only for lonely ugly lesbians. Oh, how I wanted to let them know that many heterosexual women and indeed couples actually loved vibrators and that they could be part of a healthy sexual life. But I held back.

Finally they talked about how they got caught by their parents in different ways - be it a hickey or in bed with a boy. All I know is that if Roy or I catch a child of ours in bed with someone else at that age, they won't be seeing daylight until they are 25. And their partner might start running now, cause it wouldn't be pretty.

Oh the meanderings of teenage girls. Ten minutes of sex talk. Giggles. And sighs. I just had to get off the bus, shaking my head, and hope that I can teach my kids to wait until they are a bit more mature and emotionally ready to handle it all. And that sex, by that time, is still something to treasure.