Obsession

I consider myself quite a level-headed person. Someone who can see beyond hype and not get to crazy over most things. After we got engaged, I told R. that I wouldn't go crazy over the wedding. That I wouldn't become a 'bridezilla'...and I don't think I've gone that far. But I will say that I'm surprised at the slight obsession that I've started having about the wedding.

I have a lovely red binder that holds all my organizational info. I have places for our budget (we're on target so far), a timeline (behind in some things, ahead in others), pictures of everything one would include in a wedding, etc. And I look at it every day. No, there's nothing new in the folder, but I still look at the pictures. I look at the possible flowers that I could use...here's a few examples:



But that's not all I look at. I also look at hair styles and Indian outfits and confetti...etc, etc, etc.

And then I go on those wedding websites, like The Knot or Brides. And I read about what everyone else is doing or has done...and I look at their Bios. And then I worry that my wedding isn't enough. That they're doing all these cool things that I'm not doing. And mainly it's cause I'm not willing to spend as much money as these women. I'm on a budget. And I don't have $25,000+ to spend on a wedding. And in reality, I wouldn't want to. But there's a bit of jealousy going on. And I hate it.

The hype to spend in weddings is huge. There are ads and cool pictures and wedding websites and t.v. shows. And they don't show the simple things that look great...they show the big events. And so, even if you don't want it to, it makes you feel like your wedding is going to be inadequate.

A wedding ought to be about the gathering of friends and family to celebrate the marriage of two people. It ought not be about what colours you're using, or having the perfect favour that everyone will probably throw away...but for even the most level headed of us, the details sometimes get in the way.

I look forward to my wedding day. I hope to have fun, eat and drink, look pretty and have a good party for everyone. But I don't want to go into my wedding day all stressed out. So I'm going to have to pull back from looking at my binder and at those websites. It's time for a wedding planning breather. A saner approach to life.

Modelling

I've been looking through an Asian bridal mag (Asian over in England means anyone of Indian or Pakistani descent). There are amazing pictures of women in saris and lehenga cholis. I'm trying to get some ideas for wedding outfits, hair and beauty. It's a gorgeous magazine...but they don't have a lot of Asian women who are modelling for it. It's mainly filled with lightly tanned Caucasion women.

Why? Is it that they can't find Asian women to model? Or is it that the 'ideal' for women is white, slim, etc? I hate to see that the Asian magazine isn't exclusively using Asian models. It just sends a bad message. I'd personally wonder if my own look wasn't 'right'...similar to the experience I have when I rarely see anyone with curly hair...are my curls 'bad'?

Sleepy sleepy

I can't imagine what I'm going to be like if I ever have a baby. This week has been rough on me due to lack of sleep. R. is having bad elbow issues again - he has bursitis, which basically means he has liquid on his elbow. It's gross. And his doctor didn't do anything to relieve it. From what I understand he's supposed to have it drained. I'm truly hoping that he goes to the Emergency Room (A & E) to get it done as it's been quite a few days...

And that gets me to my initial point. Lack of sleep. The poor boy hasn't slept well due to this issue. He turns and bumps it, wakes up in pain and then my sleep gets messed up. While I typically love sleeping next to him, this week has been a trial. It's not that he totally wakes me up...but I'm such a sensitive sleeper that it just disrupts it enough. And so I'm tired. Yesterday I was so tired that I had to close my door at work and just cry - the stress of life was just hitting me and with lack of sleep & PMS...I was a goner.

At this point I'm having a tough time putting my thoughts together and saying normal words. Which will make "Back to School Night" just a joy...yes, I will be expected to talk to parents about my psychology class and to any who want to talk to me about counseling kids. I hope I can hold it together tonight. It's going to be a long day - started here around 8am, have field hockey practice in the afternoon (a run & chalk board session) and then we start again at 6pm until at least 9pm. Sigh. But that's what we get paid the big bucks for...ha!

Happily our boss is letting us wear jeans tomorrow, so that will take away some of the thought process in my evening...just pick a shirt and that's it. Easy peasy.

So hope for the best...that I survive meeting the parents tonight and make it through tomorro!

Why?!!!!

The view of Americans overseas is not really a good one. And I think it comes as a shock to many Americans that people would think badly of them for any reason. But being an American is so very different than being any other nationality and as we're so insular, we can't see how what we say or do could be seen as either odd, insulting or otherwise not good.

Here's an example of why Americans are made fun of over here and looked at with distain:

(From coverage on the Riders Cup) Lehman packed his golf bag with hundreds of bags of corn tortillas and has made sure that his team have tomatoes to make the necessary salsa. “I swear to God this is the truth,” Lehman revealed at a damp and dreary K Club yesterday after his team’s arrival was delayed by several hours — because his bag was loaded down and could not be moved.
“We live in Arizona and it is the land of the Mexican food. When we were last over here it was very difficult to find good chips and salsa, so we decided to bring our own. I must have loaded 200 bags of tortillas into my golf bag. No wonder they couldn’t move it. They are on a one-way trip, absolutely, because we are going to eat those babies.”

To Lehman and company - you are in a foreign country for 3 whole weeks. You will be back in Arizona soon. It is seen as an insult to the country you are now in that you had to bring over AMERICAN FOOD to 'survive' those three weeks. Darn it man, take advantage of the fact that you can get the best potato products over there. Enjoy eating something that isn't from Arizona.

Yes folks, this is what happens when tourists come from America (not all but enough). They want what they have at home. They don't want to try the new foods of the country that they're in. They expect everything to be like home. And complain loudly when it's not. Dudes - you're in a foreign country...take in the new experiences, try the new food and don't continue to give Americans a bad name...you're coming across as people who can't see beyond your own faces...who aren't willing to move beyond your own borders...who aren't willing to compromise. And it's a shame. There's a lot we can learn from other countries. Differences aren't bad - just different!

So Lehman. I appreciate you like your chips and salsa. But I wish you had left them at home. It's sometimes hard enough to be an American living overseas with the president we have - he gives people enough fodder to go on about...we don't need any more excuses for people to take the mickey. And about those outfits...

Division of Labour

One of the things that is supposedly difficult for couples is the issue of doing housework. For many women, there's the feeling that they are doing it all. And yes, sometimes I feel that way too. But right now, I just feel like neither of us are pulling our weight.

We both work quite stressful jobs, though the things that cause stress are different. We also have different hours - I may be home anywhere between 4 - 8pm depending on whether or not I'm coaching, have meetings, etc. And this Thursday I won't be home until after 10pm due to work. R. tends to get in around 6pm most evenings, but then he goes and sits on the computer as he works on projects that he feels he doesn't have the quiet for at work.

Then there are the sports. I train every Monday night from 8-10pm with a field hockey team. And it's very competitive so I work very hard with it. I come home drenched and exhausted. R. is part of a football team (soccer) and so randomly throughout the week, he may have a game.

And then there's R's home visits. He goes once or twice a week to see his parents for dinner, which takes up most of the evening.

So that means that there are evenings when we just don't hardly see each other no less feel up to doing housework. On the 'free' nights we just want to spend time cooking a good dinner and catching up. But that means that the flat looks like a fright right now.

Tonight I'll get home around 8pm. R will cook dinner as he'll be home earlier. Then I want to do some cleaning. At least straighten up. The major problem is that we never took care of all the extra furniture that moved in with me and with the new extra bedroom. So we have 3 large desks, a corner table, a dining table, two couches and a chair all trying to compete for space with the t.v., ironing board, R's cricket gear & my hockey gear. It's toooo much!

So we've decided that we need to do this all on Sunday. No plans at all. Just organization. And we need to buy a filing cabinet to put our crap in. Right now we have so much paper lying around it's driving me nuts. I'm not a clean freak, but I want my space to look nice NOW!

On an aside...I know we could afford to hire a cleaner once very two weeks so that we didn't have to stress over getting things cleaned...but I'd rather spend that £60+/month on something more fun, such as something for the wedding! We'll see if we can get our acts together. Cause I'd rather have a cleaner than a murder charge on my head...

Rings

Today I started thinking about wedding rings. I'm not sure what I want yet. With my ring, I know I need to have a small ring width (3mm or less) and love rings with diamonds or sapphires. I also don't want to spend crazy amounts of money but would love something special. Such dichotomies!

Here are a few I've found online that are similar to what I'll probably look for:

I'm not one to remember dreams. And sex dreams? Definitely NOT. I think I probably remember just a few dreams a year. And after last night's dream, I'm kinda glad.

It wasn't exactly a nightmare, but it was something that made me uncomfortable. Cause the sex dream wasn't about R. In fact, it was about a perfect stranger. I was at a concert or something and met a guy who was sitting next to me. And boy was he hot. But I was still engaged to R. And had on my ring. But it didn't matter. I still brought him home (reasons are fuzzy). And we got it on. He left and then R. came out of the extra bedroom all naked and wanting some. This is when I woke up. 5:25am. Scared the bejeezus out of me at first waking. What had I done?

Then I realized that it was just a dream. That I hadn't messed up. But it was so real...the desire to hook up with someone who made me feel very sexy (not that R. doesn't...but after a while you lose that zazing that a stranger brings). And the realness got me thinking for the next 1 hour until the alarm went off.

Would I ever be tempted? I'm sure I will. My eyes haven't shut down and I still can get that zing from seeing a hot guy on the street. But will I follow through as I did in my dream? I have to hope not. See R. is such a wonderful man and is the first guy who really WANTS to communicate when we have issues about anything. We talk through our problems. And that quality is worth holding onto (as are the many other wonderful qualities he has). And luckily, once in a while, I still get that zazing when I look at him.

Hopefully I won't remember any more dreams for a while. My subconscious sends me all sorts of oddness...and I'd rather it stay there!

A fish feast and bad shoes



Recently, R. has been feeding me lots of pizza and pasta. I'm trying to lose weight for the wedding and this is not helping (as they are amongst my favorites foods). So last night I decided to introduce more fish into our diet. And boy was last night's meal delish!

I made rainbow trout with caramelised onions. Sweet and also spicy, the fish just melted in your mouth. And with a side of rice and roasted veggies, it was a gorgeous meal.

I started out by making a syrup of water & brown sugar. I then added sliced garlic (10 cloves!), ginger and a hot green chili. After cooking down a bit more, I then squeezed in a lime and put in a touch of fish sauce which gave it a Thai sort of feel. The fish was just pan fried in a touch of olive oil for about 5 minutes per side until the skin was crispy.

Roy, who isn't really a fish person, decided that this was fantastic and that, yes, we should eat more fish now. So I'm in search of good fish recipes that are reasonably healthy...

------------------------------------------------

Have you ever purchased shoes quickly? You see them, think they'd be great, try them on but not 'really' (as in you don't walk around too much), get them home, still don't think about walking around in them on carpet to test them, and then go out into the real world with them and think - "Damn...these shoes are cute but *&%$£ they hurt!". That happened to me today. I bought some cute work shoes while I was in the States. They are Nine West, which I usually have good luck with. Black, medium heeled, funky bits of extra leather & brass metal bits all over them...absolutely cool looking shoes. And they hurt. So much that I'm sitting in my office without shoes on. And not looking forward to teaching in 20 minutes with them on. I think the kids will just have to deal with my toes being shown. Sigh. Now I have to spend more money on new shoes, cause I just can't imagine having to wear these all winter long as my cool work shoes. And I didn't want to spend money this autumn on clothing or shoes - I want it for our wedding!!!! Bugger!

5 Years Ago

5 years ago. I was working at Episcopal High School in Alexandria, VA. It is located about 3 miles from the Pentagon.

5 years ago. I was dating a guy who was working in the Pentagon that day.

5 years ago. I was not teaching when the first plane hit. But heard the news through another teacher. Each classroom had a television in it so we turned on the news. And then saw the second plane hit.

5 years ago. I went outside to see if I could find an administrator. And heard an amazing noise. At the time I didn't know that it was the sound of military planes taking off after the Pentagon hit.

5 years ago. I had to hold in my own fears for my bf as I worried about the kids whose parents were working in the towers and the Pentagon. We were lucky. All the parents got out. But there was a lot of work for me in the following days. You couldn't live in the DC area and not be affected somehow.

5 years ago. My bf was fine. He's live on to cause more serious heartache later.

5 years ago. I was one of the lucky ones. And my prayers go out to those who lost someone.

I've now been in two cities struck by terrorists. It's part of life now. Innocence is gone.

Love

I was reading another blog that asked us to write down our story about how we met our good guys. And I thought to myself...have I ever written down how I met R.? I'm not sure I have. (And quite honestly I'm too lazy right now to go and look). So, with less than 7 months until our wedding, I'll let you know the story...

I arrived in London in July 2004. I was going to be a school counselor, teach a Psychology course and coach a field hockey team. One of the coaches had some interest in joining a hockey club in the area and I was excited about doing it too. So I went to their open day. And had a blast. A few of the people were really quite welcoming...one being Ali T. She invited us back to the club for drinks and took it upon herself to look after me for the next few weeks. We got on great. Which was good cause work wasn't going so well.

In mid-October '04, Ali T. invited me to go to her birthday party, which was going to be held at a ceilidh or Scottish dance. I wasn't sure I wanted to go as I was only going to know Ali T., but figured I might as well as I'd meet other people. So I showed up at the pub where people were meeting. Had a drink with all sorts of new people. And then we were off to the ceilidh. There I met a bunch of new people, including R. I honestly thought that he had a girlfriend with him. So I didn't really flirt. In fact I was having a high time flirting with one of Ali's college friends. R. just knew Ali through cricket.

Then the last dance arrived. And R. asked me to dance. We were both quite squiffy by that point and had a blast...we laughed at ourselves and each other. We were NOT in a state to dance. But we made it through. And at the end, R. turned to me and bam! He kissed me straight on the lips. And it was soooo unexpected...but sooo nice!

And we spent most of the night together talking and talking and talking. And that was the beginning. A few days R. called me and asked me out. I wasn't so sure about him...but something led me to give him a chance. And boy am I glad I did. He has added so much to who I am and to my life.

So that's it. That's the story. Of course there's a bit more to it...but that's private to me and R.

I've been having a lot of conversations about "Relationships". From the moment they begin (perhaps with that first siting on the website or the first date) to the moment they end (all things end...), there are tough moments. And we're so afraid of them that we try to remove ourselves from them. But usually that just creates even more tough moments.

I think back to my younger days of dating. I made so many mistakes. Mistake number one was not TRULY listening to what the guy was saying to me or SEEING how he was acting. I had on my rose tinted glasses of expectation and fear of loss. So many people are so afraid of losing what they have that they stop recognizing what their own instincts say. And in the end they tend to lose anyway...but sometimes at a great cost to their hearts, lives or sanity.

Mistake number two: I know that I had a problem asking guys questions in my relationships. I think I was usually afraid of the answers. Or that the questions would put 'too much pressure' on the guy. What hogwash! If I wanted to know something, then I ought to have asked. And if the guy broke up with me for just asking a question, then he wasn't the guy for me.

What makes us tip-toe around relationships? Why are we so afraid to lose something if it's not right for us? Why do we refuse to see the signs that people send all the time? Why is it that being part of a couple, even a bad one, is better than being alone & healthy?

I'm glad I've pretty much moved on and grown up in my own way. I do know that if I lost R., I'd be beyond unhappy. I would definitely be depressed and angry and hurt. But I'd be okay after time. I'd survive. And I'd deal with the loss and move on eventually. Cause we all can. Life is full of hurts, from that first time as a baby that mom leaves us to our first fight with someone to the act of dying in the end....but other than that last hurt, we are made to move on and be okay...if we CHOOSE.

I now ask those questions of R and if I see something that bothers me, I bring it up. I am prepared to piss him off sometimes. But I know that he loves me now and we'll be okay. He brings up topics that make me uncomfortable, but he does it for us. I bring up topics that make him uncomfortable, but I do it for us. If we couldn't handle these things, then we ought not be together. But we do handle them and it's made us a better couple. Right now I'm not better off being single...but it's not holding me back from keeping my 'eyes open'.

Dinner

Last night R. and I were in the mood for a bit of spice. To his disappointment, my desire was for spicy food, not a spicy evening (though I can tell you he wasn't complaining by sleep time!). So we went to the shop and got the ingredients for a spicy pasta...

Plum tomatoes
Tomato puree
Chopped tomato with garlic in the tin

Those were the base of the tomato sauce. Into this I added some pan sauted garlic and onions that had become quite translucent. And then the kicker...thin slices of chorizo that had been pan friend with mushrooms and red pepper. Mmmmm....it adds a nice touch of 'kick' to an otherwise bland dish.

We made up some penne which soaked up the sauce. The veg was still dente and the meat tasted a touch smokey. All in all it was heaven on a plate.

Hmmm...now what to have for dinner tonight?

Let's do lunch

As you know, things have not been great in terms of R's parents and me. They have kept trying to push us apart. But it's mainly his dad. R has always stated that his mom would be more interested in meeting me and starting a relationship...that she wants to see him happy.

Last week, my df's mom met with him for lunch to chat. He finally told her that we had set a date, that the wedding was going to be held in the US and that things were moving forward (I have to admit that I've been putting the pressure on him to do this). She reacted relatively well. He then also told her that he couldn't keep coming over for dinner and leaving me behind at the flat. It wasn't fair as I was going to become his wife. She cried at the thought of him not coming over, but he emphasized that there was a way to get around this and that was meeting me and having me come over too.

So...last night we were sitting watching t.v. when his mom calls. She said that they now want to meet me. Holy cow! My df is going to meet with his dad first to set down some ground rules (such as, don't interogate her, don't accuse her of anything, etc)...and then we'll figure out when to meet.

I'm happy about this but also VERY nervous. I know they don't want me in their lives and are only doing this to not lose their son...but at the same time I know I want to do this. It's probably going to be awful at first, but hopefully more meetings will bring some respect and perhaps even liking.

I'll keep y'all updated about this future meeting. Cross your fingers for me!

How to start your day off right

1. Wake up on time, almost without the alarm, because you actually slept well.

2. Turn and see a cutie pie in the bed next to you, all cuddled up with the blanket and head smooshed into the pillow right next to you.

3. Have cereal with fresh milk that your honey bought last night because he felt the 'old' milk just wasn't right.

4. Find an outfit that looks really good and earrings that you haven't worn in ages that are wonderful & were forgotten.

5. Return to the bedroom to say 'goodbye' to the sweetie and have him turn to look at you and say, "Wow. Phewarrrr...You look gorgeous. They don't deserve you at work. Wanna call in sick?". Hee!

6. Walk out the door to get the bus (cause you're actually running early & the train is running late) and realize - IT'S FRIDAY!!!