An attempt to answer a question

A reader, Casey, has asked me to post about my relationship, particularly in regards to it being a Hindu-Christian one. So I thought I'd try to answer his questions and worries a bit from my viewpoint.

Hi Casey - glad you've stopped by. I hope you've taken some time to read my earlier posts...they definitely talk about some of the not so happy times in my relationship. And yes, there were some VERY tough times.

I'll give you a bit more background...when I was in my 20s, my father went on sabbatical to India to work at a private school over there. I decided that since I was going to be spending some time there, I should learn more about the culture. And it is different from the American one...at least historically. One thing to remember - all families will be different and come from different points of view - even when it comes to relationships (I know a white woman who was highly welcome). But there are some general 'truths'. We in American come from an individualistic society - this means that the focus is primarily on the individual. We treasure this in so many ways. And it can be great - we can move beyond our 'station' in life and go from poverty to millionaire within one generation. But it also means that family can be lost. In many Eastern societies, such as India, family is much more important. They are collectivist societies. You don't think about your self as most important but what is best for the family. And this comes through in relationships...while Indian society has moved a bit toward 'love relationships', there is still a focus on being with someone who will work well within your family. Because marriage is it. That is the relationship. And marriage is not just between two people, but between two families. So you want your families to be compatible. You marry within your group...so if the family is wealthy, they may expect their son or daughter to marry rich as well. (This isn't different than American society in some ways if you think about it).

So - a lot of Indian children will not talk to their parents about dating. Especially if they are first generation to a more individualistic society. And ESPECIALLY if their dating partner is not Indian. Because that goes against expectations.

Roy did not tell his parents (who moved to England in their 30s) about me. Not until it got VERY serious. He knew that they would object. His parents' view about Americans was not a good one. And that's because all they hear are the bad things -
- Americans get divorced
- Americans are all about getting money (thus when women divorce the man, they take them for all they are worth)
- Americans are sexually promiscuous.
- Americans are anti-family

And worse...if we got married and gave birth, our child will lose their "Indian-ness...the culture would be lost. I compared it a lot to my very Jewish friends - their parents were very worried about them marrying outside the faith and losing the faith.

When Roy actually told his family about me...well...it was not good. If you go back to the beginning of my blog, http://ukyankee.blogspot.com/2006_01_01_archive.html, you'll get to read about some of those difficulties...

His parents refused to meet me once they found out about me. And they threatened him quite a bit. The summer after met, about 9 months in, was one that was horrible. He was getting a lot of pressure to stop dating me. And it was a pressure that almost caused him to break up with me. And that's where it's tough. Because family means so much. It's not that they want their children to be unhappy...but they do want them to do what they think is the right thing, aka mate with another Indian person.

It wasn't until we were engaged, about a year after that first summer, that they finally started to come around. We didn't meet until after that. It took a lot for Roy to get us to this point. It took threats, blackmail, etc. from his family. And now it's okay. But that's not what always happens.

So what to do? Trust your girlfriend for a while. But ask her about her family. Support her as she tries to work through this relationship. Don't push. Give some time. While it was very, very hard on me, it was worse on Roy. I just gave him tons of support and didn't push him. He says that's what made the difference - his family were pressuring him, but I didn't put too much out there. And so the choice was made easier for him...

She knows her family and what will work. And if you are both young and new in this relationship, then you have time to give. As a 30-something year old, I wasn't willing to wait to marry him for too long (we got engaged after 1-1/2 years of dating and married one year after that)...but if we had been in our 20s, then I would have not worried so much about the family thing until after a full year or two of dating.

Have to tell you...it was hell for a while. I cried a lot. So did Roy. Our love was put to a huge test. But he came through. It doesn't always happen. Sometimes the family wins. But I thought he was worth the hell...for a short period of time. From 9 months (summer) until we got engaged (spring), there were times when I just wanted to leave and not have to deal with it...but it was worthwhile.

So, Casey, not sure if I answered your questions or not...hope that I did. I think any relationship where there are differences between the partners will be tough, be it religion or race. Only you and your partner can decide whether it's worth the effort. Good luck!