Growing up is hard to do

Because I work with teenagers, I'm constantly reminded of how I felt during that stage of my life. And sometimes it's a time that I don't want to remember at all. While it wasn't horrible, it was also not easy. Like most teens I just didn't know who I was or how to figure that out.

I start off in high school looking VERY young (and this doesn't change at all throughout the 4 years). Even though I'm one of the oldest there, I probably could pass for pre-pubescent. I had barely developed (no boobs) and was just getting out of the age when I thought playing 'kill the man' was totally cool. I was a serious tomboy - more into sports than anything else. But at the same time, I had grown a sort of fearfulness. Not sure where that came from. At one point I had been full of fire, but somehow lost it in those middle school years.

I wish it had been an era where being sporty was really cool - here at my school, the talented sports chicks are 'it'. Yes, there are still some that are seen as geeky (which I was), but overall talent is celebrated.

I was a teacher's child at a private school (part boarding, part day). We didn't have hardly any money. Especially compared to most of the kids at the school. It was one area that kept me apart. And then there was just being the kid of the school counselor. Everyone thought I'd be the one to 'tell on them'...to be a 'rat'. But that wouldn't have been my style. But I was considered square, and so never invited to parties.

With all of this going on, I developed into a quite shy young woman. I hid in black while also pushing myself out front by getting funky haircuts. There was still some fire hidden within & it showed in being as alternative as I could in this preppy school. 'Pretty in Pink' pretty much sums up what it felt like to be in school on some days, though I didn't win the coolest prepster guy at the prom.

I think my situation fed into my being introspective. I thought a lot. I thought about who I wanted to be...did I want to fit in (yes, kinda), did I want to be a professional (yup), did I like who I was (well...not sure). I tried on all sorts of guises throughout high school and college, trying to see which 'hat' would fit the best.

After I left high school, I decided that working on the shyness thing would be better than focusing on grades. I had done very well for myself and ended up at a top rated university where I was playing varsity hockey. I knew that the next thing I needed was to develop my sense of self and some esteem. And so with the help of the numerous books on my dad's shelf, I built myself up.

I came out of college still unmolded...but with a better sense of who I wanted to be. And I've kept at it. Still growing, still changing, but not as much. My dress sense is still a bit different, though I tend to wear more preppy clothing with more than a touch of black. I still have fun with my hair, though that tends to be more restricted to the colour and not the cut. I still think a LOT.

High school was interesting. There were moments when I wasn't sure I was ever going to make it through without losing it. And I hope that my memories help me be a better counselor. The interesting thing I've found through my work though...something I wouldn't have imagined back when I was 15...is that every kid, even the most popular, have a similar sense of just not fitting. Not as much as I did. But every kid had their moment of a loss of faith in themselves. A worry about not being enough. Some hid it better or handled it with more grace.

As I head closer and closer to my 40th birthday (my 38th is next month), I feel like I'm back to that place where I had to make lots of decisions about my self. Who do I want to be as I head toward middle age? If I become a mother, what sorts will I be? And if I don't, how will I define myself then?

I think at every age, it's possible that self-exploration is a need. In my teen years it was all about where I wanted to fit. My 20s were all about who I wanted to be when I grew up. My 30s have been a bit easier, as I've accepted my life, my body and the person I am still growing into. But it's a time that once again I need to look within.